I watched Primetime with Diane Sawyer last night.
The episode was titled "A Love Story For Your Life". It was a special on former Carnegie Mellon Professor Randy Pausch.
I've been sitting here thinking about it all day. I want to blog about it. I'm sure everyone who watched it, that blogs, is going to want to blog about it.
This man, this incredible man, is dying of pancreatic cancer. Pancreatic cancer, is about the worst cancer there is. I've read about him for some time. I saw him on Oprah a few months ago. I have been affected by him since I first heard about him.
Tonight though, it was like I saw and felt the message he was sending. I'm so sad that the world is losing this man. He is the type of human that makes a difference to so many people. He lives honestly, truthfully, and he lives a life of fun.
He is a happy soul.
He has a wife whom he loves, and he has three beautiful little children.
The thing that he said tonight that inspired me the most, and I'm sure this is not an exact quote, but it was that "his family was about to be pushed off a cliff and he wouldn't be there to catch them, and that breaks his heart".
He went on to say that he could spend the time he has left, being angry, and depressed, or he could start sewing net's to catch them from the fall". He said life isn't fair, so what?? He will live his life anyway.
When I think of my own struggles compared to his, they are minor, but it still takes my breath away.
The power of choice. It is so incredibly huge.
I've always known, deep down in my soul, that you can choose how to live your life.
That is in your hands. But I think it has taken me until now, in my 40's to really understand what that means to me, and it took having my kids to learn just how precious life is.
He stated that "he was sad he wasn't going to have the experience of being a dad", but the hardest part for him was that his children would not have the experience of having him be their father”. That was the hardest thing resting on his soul.
I can completely understand how he feels. Any of us who have children, know, that we are our children's best hope. People may love our kids, immensely even, but no one will love them like a parent loves them.
I know that if something were to happen to me; that Rick may remarry. My kids would then have a step mom. I believe that even if she did love my kids, she would never love them with the intensity that I do. There is something physical about the love a mother and father have for their child.
But back to Randy. I've been going through so many struggles of my own for the last few years. Watching him tonight really helped shed some light on my struggles, and put some things into perspective.
My physical body. I've had some major struggles with this. I haven't been able to lose the baby weight since I've had the kids. This is really taking a toll on my knees right now.
I have done a lot of soul searching in the last 6 weeks about this, and I have been making changes in my diet. I have been feeding my family healthier foods, and Rick has given in and decided that he needs to eat vegetables even though he hates them, so that our kids will learn to love them like I do.
He is surprising himself that he is beginning to enjoy the things he has always thought he hated.
So watching Randy tonight only strengthened my resolve to continue on.
To make strong choices.
To make my choices matter.
And it became even clearer to me that the choices I am making now are the correct and strong choices for me and my family.
I think I have finally achieved a place of self honesty that I have been lacking my entire life. I feel genuine. I feel like I know who I really am.
We all know we will die someday. That is a given. But when we die, will we be able to go peacefully knowing we have lived an honest life that matters?
So here I am, finally feeling like this is the life I chose, and it's a good life. I am happy and I have a family that means the world to me.
I know who I am, and I can affect change in myself and the people around me with this knowledge.
My goal, for the next half of my life.
To love my body.
I mean really love it.
To take care of it. It has given me everything I've ever wanted.
I need to honor it now. I need to feed it with love, nutrition and compassion. I want a happy life. I want to know that I'm healthy enough to really enjoy the activities that I do with my kids.
I want to take them out to enjoy nature, and teach them about life.
Teach them to love people.
This is what I've been striving for most of my life.
I had gotten to the point, in my 30's where I thought I would never have kids.
I was OK with that.
I accepted it.
I was learning to make a life for myself and enjoy that life.
Then within 2 1/2 years, I have 2 kids.
OK, so it was a turn I wasn't expecting.
I wasn't expecting to give birth at 41 years old.
I wasn't expecting preemies with such high needs.
I wasn't expecting my dad to die.
There is a lot of life that is not in my control, but there is so much that is.
There is so much in life I can choose. I can guide myself in directions that will fulfill me.
I can choose to live my life with love, with compassion, with strength of character, and integrity.
I choose to parent my kids so that they will look at people of all colors, orientations and gender's and know that doesn't matter.
First and foremost, I am a mother. I am a human. I am a person who loves deeply. I am a person who connects deeply with people.
So this is the Love Story for the Rest of My Life.
When I go, I want to go with no regrets.
With my head held high.
To know with my whole heart and soul that I lived my life to the fullest, with fearlessness, honesty and integrity.
and if you want the link to the Primetime show, here it is.
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